*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.