Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
choose your gary
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.