Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person