Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
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DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.