Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me, reading some of your tweets
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I only treason on days ending in y
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.