I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds