[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
They got Raph!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
*sewing*
A thread
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Yup
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?