Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Ferrari squats
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.