$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.