My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
You Might Also Like
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My blood type is b hungry.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is