Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
You Might Also Like
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna