all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.