Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”