Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.