Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
This one’s “Alex”.
Love is always patient and kind.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
peak technology
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*