One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
God, I love Scotland
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
This has made my week.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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