Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak