*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.