HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
You Might Also Like
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.