Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point