If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.