When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.