I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.