Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.