“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
U talkin 2 me?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.