Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
This is hilarious….
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.