I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
SF is the wild wild west man
Sometimes? I’m slipping
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”