“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I never needed anything more in my life
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs