You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
We’re all getting idioter.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story