wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Oh the world we live in…
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried