insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”