Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You Might Also Like
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
how to market bottled water to dads
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!