Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.