When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I think about this a lot
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.