On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
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Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.