Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Generation gap…
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.