Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler