I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket