(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.