Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
📽️movie date🎞️
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.