Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
They’re not wrong
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.