And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
estão todos miauvindo?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.