Squeak, squeak, squeak!
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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“I’m helping” 😅
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*