“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
my dad has had enough
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”