[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
titanic
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..