Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!