You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Every work call, he judges.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian