Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
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It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Ken is short for chicken