My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Husband of the year 😂
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you