[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
nobody’s gonna understand
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.